I'm So Trendy!

Trends frequently come and go without me noticing. Or if I notice, I simply ignore it, because trends are fluid and ever changing, so why invest in something so short term?

This is true of fashion trends, makeup trends, accessory trends, etc.

The tangerine makeup trend? Yeah right, who actually looks good in tangerine?

The boho fashion trend? Unless you're model thin and tall, you will look more hobo than chic.

The sock bun trend? So. Much. Work.

But...I have hopped on the bandwagon for one trend recently.

The accent nail.

Sure it's sort of juvenile...but I kind of love it.

What do you think? Cool trend or so lame you can't wait until it goes away?

The Slow Fizzle

We all have friends in our lives who we sort of wish weren't in our lives.

It's that friend that is basically unsupportive of every decision you make. It's that friend that calls you constantly with her drama but won't answer the phone when you're having a bad day. It's that friend that constantly cancels on you at the last minute. It's that friend that drops off the face of the earth for weeks at a time only to pop up to ask you to watch her hamster while she's away. We all have that friend.

I have at least one of those at a time. That is, until I start what I like to call the "slow fizzle."

The "slow fizzle" is when you finally decide that you no longer want to be friends with someone. You email less often. You stop asking to hang out. You want the relationship to fizzle out on it's own so as to spare the awkward conversation of "hey so, you're a sucky friend and you need to go."

The trick to the slow fizzle folks, is to stick with it. Do not backslide, because then you have to start from square one. And the slow fizzle is specifically designed to be gradual over time to give the illusion that the end of the friendship was mutual and almost unintentional. Like you just "fell out of touch." When really it was what you were going for all along without taking the blame for the demise of a friendship.

I had such a situation going on recently, where I was trying to institute the slow fizzle and she just would NOT let it happen.

It was obvious (to me at least) that we were just completely different people...and to be perfectly honest, she was just a huge bitch. And fake as shit.

So I was over our friendship. I stopped emailing. I stopped asking to hang out.

But every couple of weeks, THERE she was. In my Inbox. Or popping up on my phone. Wanting to chat. Wanting to hang out.

I mean, I thought I had mastered the slow fizzle. I invented it after all, so clearly I am an expert.

What is a girl to do in this case, when she is trying for the slow fizzle, and the contraparty doesn't seem to want to let go?

Well I will tell you.

Sometimes it's necessary to allow a backslide to happen. Have dinner/drinks with the bitch. Smile. Make jokes. Tell stories. Smile anyway even though she basically shits on everything you say and does everything she can to make you feel like you fail at life.

And then you start the slow fizzle process all over again in hopes that this time, she will get it.

In this particular instance, thankfully she finally got it. But that doesn't stop me from shamelessly cyber stalking her and being glad of her misfortunes and rolling my eyes at her ludicrous fakery (yes that's totally a word). Because that's just how I roll.

How do you know when it's time to end a friendship? How do you end it?

Carnage

I've been travelling for work a lot lately, and have been leaving my little babies home alone.

My cats are pretty self-sufficient. They have an automatic feeder, which is not a problem as for other cats because neither one of them eats very much. I also leave a few different water bowls around the house when I'm gone so they don't run out of water. And of course they have the litter box.

I have always said that if by some miracle, they managed to escape and get outside, Bailey would be perfectly fine. She has cat survival instincts and is extremely independent. My other cat though, Mica, is just the opposite. She is extremely codependent and is such a pussy <---see what I did there? HA! that if she ever were to find herself outside, she would sit on the doorstep and meow until I found her and then would not leave my side for days. She's a scaredy-cat.

They don't even do typical cat things when they spot birds out the window. No meowing, no hissing, no tail flicking...they make this weird clicking noise that I have never in my life heard another cat make. It's the most bizarre thing.

Imagine my surprise several months ago when I awoke in the middle of the night to a large bang (the bang itself was not a surprise as my two little darlings do not sleep at night and instead go on a rampage to see how much shit they can destroy overnight while I'm sleeping). I come out of my room to find the two of them chasing around a little mouse. Mica caught the poor little thing in her mouth.

Vermin do not frighten or disgust me. Quite the opposite actually. I am a lover of all creatures great and small and prevent any harm coming to them at all costs. Yes, I am one of those people that cries during the ASPCA commercials. And any time I hear Sarah MacLachlan on the radio now.

Anyway, back to my story. I forced Mica to drop the mouse and I somehow managed to catch it and let it outside. After all that excitement I went back to bed and didn't think about it again.

Until last week.

I came home from being away for a few days and found a dead mouse in the livingroom. Fully in tact. Having had cats my whole life, I was very thankful that they had not dismembered it and left the guts for me as cats are known to do. Because that's just disgusting.

I picked it up and threw it outside and proceeded to unpack and go on with my business.

But then...THEN I went into the bathroom.

Clearly the mouse had been found dead in the livingroom, but had been murdered in the bathroom. (Mica in the bathroom with the wrench?)

Complete carnage. There was blood EVERYWHERE.

So much so that you would think a full sized human had been attacked by a messy vampire. There was blood on the floor, on the edge of the toilet, a smattering on the sink, spots on the bathroom rug, a pool on the tile...it was carnage. Obviously an epic battle had ensued in my bathroom.

A half hour later I managed to have cleaned up all the blood and praised the kittens for doing their kitty duty of keeping the house pest free. I knew they had to be good for something besides shedding everywhere andc clawing the furniture.

What a welcome home.

Funeral Party

My family is strange.

Yeah yeah, I know everyone thinks and says their family is strange. But mine really is. Like, really.

I may or may not have mentioned the fact that my mother is bipolar, but in case I haven't, there it is. Also, all of her siblings have a mental illness in some form or another. Lucky for me, my mother doesn't speak to any of them so I don't have to either. That just leaves my Dad's side of the family. My Dad's parents actually raised me, and I had two aunts that I was very close to growing up. One aunt up and got married to a creep and moved away. The other aunt and I were close up until about five years ago.

Here is where I go all Debbie Downer on you guys.

My aunt was diagnosed with early on set Alzheimer's, and started having a variety of extreme health issues. It came as no surprise when she took a turn for the worst recently and passed away a few weeks ago. Her husband had passed 11 years ago.

When my uncle passed, my aunt decided not to have a funeral. She had him cremated and he resided on her bedside table. Not having a funeral is not so strange in and of itself, but then when my aunt passed away, the same thing occurred. My cousin (her son) opted out of a funeral.

One of my other aunts though, decided that this would not be sufficient. Enter what I have affectionately dubbed "the Funeral Party."

I understand that there is often a reception of sorts after a funeral typically. Not so unusual.

But remember, my family is strange.

Instead of having the "funeral party" at a funeral home or say, my aunt's house that organized the party, she decides that it is appropriate to host the party at my uninhabited dead grandmother's house that is currently on the market for sale. You know, with no running water or electricity. Or furniture of any kind.

So basically all of my relatives will be standing around on the lawn in rememberance of my aunt. It's possible a tent will be rented and there will be copious amounts of food and booze.

A party for a dead person at another dead person's house, yet no dead people will be in attendance. (Or, at least I don't think there will be, I don't know how long it takes to cremate a person. I don't know if my aunt will be back from the bakery or whatever they call that place in time for the party).

Guaranteed at least a few members of my family will be falling down drunk prior to arriving and a lot of unseemly sobbing will occur. Most likely from the people who didn't even like her when she was alive (i.e. my mother). Maybe even a fight or two will break out amongst my cousins.

I would not miss this shit for the world. Granted, it's nice that my aunt will be remembered, however, a "funeral party" is strange to say the least. Especially with my family involved.

That being said, I loved my aunt very much and she will be sorely missed. I hope her and my grandmother are looking down at this funeral party and mercilessly making fun of the idiots we're related to.