Date with an Octopus

**WARNING: This post is extremely long-winded. Proceed with caution.**

As far as dating goes, my stories in the past have been relatively tame. Aside from the one date with Drew Carey's fat cousin who had serious homosexual tendencies and the couple of dates with a guy with woman hands, I had yet to go on an actually disastrous date. That is...until this past Friday night.

I ignored all the signs and red flags, so technically I have no one to blame for this shit show other than myself.

It all started innocently enough via a dating website. Doc Oc as we will call him, messaged me. His message was friendly, not generic (meaning he actually read my profile, something most guys don't do), so I decided to respond. Within minutes, I got a response back with his phone number.

A little fast maybe? Well yes, but let me preface that by saying that I had been exchanging emails with a guy for WEEKS who I liked but just kept sending emails instead of asking for my phone number or asking to meet me, so this was actually a nice change of pace for me.

I responded back with my own number thinking I would hear from him tomorrow or in a few days. WRONG. He texted me within about 10 seconds of me hitting send (Red flag # 1). And then didn't stop texting me for about five days while I was in New York on business (Red flag # 2). A few of his texts were suggestive (Red flag # 3) but he seemed to back off with that when I didn't respond well. He also sent me a few random pictures of himself and asked me to do the same (Red flag # 4) which I did not because I felt weird doing it.

Over the course of the week we got to know each other via text. I learned that he sings. I was thinking it was cool, like he was in a band...except that it wasn't a band...it was a choir. I was talking to a choir boy. (Red flag # 5)

We made plans to go on our first date this coming Wednesday since I was going to be in New York during the week and he was going to be in DC over the weekend.

Flash forward to Friday (the week before our scheduled date). He texted me while I was on the bus about having a safe trip home. At this point I had just taken the train from New York to Boston and was sitting in the most hellacious traffic on the bus home from downtown. I responded, complaining about the traffic and how it would probably take me another hour to even get home. Doc Oc latched on like a dog with a bone. Oh you're almost home? Let's meet up TONIGHT!

I stalled, saying I might have a friend coming over but would let him know if she didn't. Basically I just wanted to buy myself some time to think about it because I was unsure I even wanted to go out with him at all since he made me a little uneasy. I consulted with some friends who told me to just go for it, what did I have to lose?

So I told him I would go, to which he replies, "great! what do you want to do?"

Seriously? It's our first date. Surprise me. (Red flag # 6)

He suggested I meet him in Davis Square, which essentially meant I would have to drive back into the city I just spent over an hour driving out of. I suggested meeting outside the city so I wouldn't have to drive back in, to which he balked a little bit (Red flag #7). Since we couldn't come to an agreement, he gave me a call to talk it out.

We decided to meet in Woburn, which was central for us both (although, he's the guy, so he should've driven to wherever I was, no questions asked). I asked him what he wanted for dinner, and he says this:

"How about the 99?"

Thinking he was kidding, I laugh and ask him for a real suggestion. Following my laughter is silence. He wasn't kidding. (Red flag # 8). He says it was in fact, a legitimate suggestion, that there was nothing wrong with the 99. At this point, I am SERIOUSLY regretting agreeing to go out with this guy...but I'm already committed so we settle on Joe's All American...which is a step up from the 99 at least.

Dinner itself is mostly ok. There are a few awkward moments where he busts into song for me, but on the whole not so bad. He jokes about my being a somewhat spoiled only child, which bothered me a bit, but I can take a little ribbing. Before our dessert arrives, we get to talking about our mutual love of movies. He suggests catching a movie after dinner, which I agree to because movies are great for spending time with someone you don't really want to talk to. Plus I love movies.

Dessert comes and goes and then comes the check. I wait. And wait. And wait. Doc Oc doesn't seem to want to pick up the check even though we have to get going if we want to make the movie. Finally, after about 20 minutes of the check just sitting there unpaid, I reluctantly pull out my wallet. I plop my card down, expecting he will tell me to put it away, but he doesn't. (Red flag #9). Instead, he pulls out some cash and throws down a $20 bill. Which is LESS than half of the bill BEFORE tip. (Red flag # 10). At this point, I am kicking myself for agreeing to this movie.

As we are walking out, he asks if we should take one car or two cars. I reply that taking one car is fine, we can just come back to the restaurant after. He then asks whose car should we take. (Red flag # 11) I reply obviously his, and make a comment about his lack of gentlemanly manners in a totally serious voice. He thinks I'm kidding and laughs. He then proceeds to start calling me "princess" in a mocking way. (Red flag # 12). This does not stop throughout the rest of the evening.

We get to the movie theatre and I stand behind him in line to ensure that he pays for our tickets. I had already resolved that if he made me pay for my own movie ticket that I was going to WALK back to the restaurant for my car and leave him to the movie alone. Luckily he took the hint...but didn't ask if I wanted popcorn or a drink or anything. Clearly if I wanted "extras" I was going to have to pay for them myself. What a guy.

The movie starts and I am excited to see it and for the fact that I no longer have to talk to my date. Five minutes into the movie is when he turns into Doctor Octopus, with arms and legs and hands ALL OVER ME. It started out with holding hands, then his arm was around me, then his hand was on leg, then he was touching my hair. I have never felt so physically uncomfortable in my life. And any other normal person would have read the signs from me. A few times he reached over for my hand and I kept my hands folded on my lap. I scooted away to the other side of my seat as much as I could. Anything to get away from his roaming hands. (Red flags # 13 - 20)

Then it happened. I felt him STARING at me. I turned toward him, which apparently he read as me wanting to kiss him. Which I didn't. He grabbed my face and sort of forced me to kiss him. I managed to pull away after a few minutes, feeling gross and violated. He sighed like he was turned on. Ew. Ew. Ew. I would like to say that it ends here but it doesn't. He proceeds to be all over me the entire 2.5 hour movie despite my best attempts at pushing him away. At one point he even pulled off a boob brush. And he continued the staring. At this point I was physically repulsed and completely skeeved out. (Countless red flags).















The movie ends and I am dreading the drive back because I know he is going to try to kiss me again. We get into the car and he starts saying all of these things as if we were already a couple and on our way down the aisle, like how he could get used to kissing me all the time and about our next date and meeting his family, etc. etc. etc.

He drives me back to my car and leans over for the kiss, to which I allow (close mouthed thankfully) and then he reaches up to feel me up. Like we are 13. I slap his hand away, which instead of making him apologetic, makes him laugh. He jokingly says he will be good (meaning, no longer try to molest me). I tell him to have a good trip and jump out of the car. I sped away as fast as I could because I was fearful that he would follow me, abduct me, keep me in his basement and wear my skin.

Worst. Date. EVER.