Ladies Listen Up!

I oddly enjoy talking about my vagina. Don't lie, I know most of you do too.

During a small dinner I hosted this past week, I was having a conversation with my girlfriends about this very topic. It started out with discussing brazilian waxing. A friend expressed her concern that it would be awkward to have a stranger all up in your business, to which I replied that it's really not that much different than going to the gynecologist. Her response to me was that she hadn't been to the gyno in six years.

Um, WHAT?!?!

Taking care of my reproductive organs (not that I plan on reproducing, but that's a whole other post) is of the utmost importance. I was shocked that a woman in this day and age was not taking proper care of themselves. I promptly gave her my gynecologist's phone number (because she's totally awesome) and advised her to call immediately, if nothing else than for the free samples of expensive brand name birth control she gives out. Our conversation stuck with me, however, and I was bothered by it.

So whenever I am bothered by something, I feel the need to tell the world about it via the internet!

Here is my story about HPV. Yes, I've had it. No, I'm not a raging slut.

The FACTS:

• HPV is a contracted through genital contact
• 60% of adults will contract HPV at some point in their lifetime (and this number is constantly rising)
• It is often symptomless
• 2,700 women a year get HPV-associated cancers
• There is no treatment for HPV itself, it usually goes away on it's own
• A person can have HPV for many years and not even know it

(source: cdc.gov)

It all started at my annual gynecologist appointment about five years ago. I had a routine pap smear, pelvic exam, breast exam, the whole works as usual. A week later my results from my pap smear came back abnormal. (As a side note - just because you have an abnormal pap smear does NOT mean you have HPV, abnormal cells can be caused by a number of things). Great, I've always wanted wonky cells!

When I was first diagnosed with HPV, my gynecologist drew a spectrum for me of cervical cells from normal to precancerous. My cells were falling very close to the precancerous end. I tell you ladies, there is nothing scarier than the "C" word. Cancer. Even though I did not have cancer, the fact that is was a possibility in the future really freaked me out. She recommended that I return for a colposcopy (basically a biopsy).

For you ladies that have never had a colposcopy done, it is extremely unpleasant. Some women have less horrifying experiences than I had, but some lucky girls (like myself) have extremely painful cramping afterward and some heavy bleeding. Plus there's that whole someone-poking-around-in-your-vagina thing. It just feels strange.

Over the course of 2.5 years, I had one of these about every 3 months because my pap smears kept coming back abnormal. I had to take the whole day off from work to have it done because the cramping was so bad that I couldn't focus on anything else. Every time I got another abnormal result back, I would cry because I had to have another biopsy and I was scared to death that this time would be the time they came back and said, "ok, now you have cancer."

Finally, after 2.5 years of stress and anxiety, I had a pap smear come back normal. My doctor told me that I would still have to come in every three months until I had three in a row come back normal, and then I could resume the normal gyno schedule of just once a year. I had never heard better news.

I have been HPV-free now for almost two years. I know there are bad connotations associated with sexually-transmitted diseases. I know myself, I felt a little dirty when I was diagnosed, but reading the facts and through talking to my doctor, I worked through that. The reality is that HPV is increasingly common and it can be passed in a multitude of ways, even if your partner wears a condom.

Even though it is not common for HPV to cause cancer, it is still a very serious risk. Cervical cancer is the most common cancer to be caused by HPV and it is also one of the most aggressive cancers for a woman to have. This is why it is so important to take proper care of your lady parts!

I jokingly say to other women when I tell them about my experience that they took so many chunks out of my cervix with every biopsy that I was shocked I even had a cervix left to have precancerous cells on. Even though I am joking when I say that, the reality is, had I never gone to the gynecologist, there is a chance that those cells would have turned into cancer and I never would have known it.

BOTTOM LINE: GO SEE YOUR GYNECOLOGIST.

Resolutions

Happy impending New Year friends!

This is supposedly the year the world is going to end. It probably won't, but just in case it does I will do my best to make the most of it.

My very exciting plans this New Year's Eve do not include kissing a cute boy at midnight. Instead they include a few of my best single girl friends, a lot of fattening (yet delicious) food, copious amounts of alcohol, and possibly some soft core porn for comical entertainment value. It has the potential to be the best New Year's Eve ever.

Just because everyone else is doing it (and yes, I would jump off a bridge if everyone else did because bridge jumping is FUN) I decided to do a post on my new years resolutions. And yes, losing weight and saving money are just a given. They aren't resolutions, just a permanent state of being so I didn't even bother to list them as actual items.

- Stop hate reading a certain blogger who previously stole blog ideas from me and is just an all around shitty person with a hideous dog (btw I LOVE dogs normally).

- Get through every last book on my "to read" bookshelf. I have a ton of books that I have bought with the intention of reading. I have made a sizeable dent this past year, but I want to get them all finished by the end of the year, including all the ones I have saved on my Kindle as well.

- Stop it with the sad eating. And the angry eating. And the stress eating. And the happy eating. Just all the eating. Must stop.

- Stop buying so much shit. I basically keep Amazon in business. I just love wasting money. I eat out too much (although I have drastically cut back on that lately) and I spend too much money on things I shouldn't and don't really need (bags, shoes, and ridiculously expensive creams to make my skin look flawless). Plus I need the money for more important things, like a lifesize cutout of Ryan Gosling or something.

- Work on decorating and organizing my apartment. Although I do a seasonal cleaning of my clothes, I need to focus on making better use of my space and making it feel more like a home instead of a temporary place to crash. This may or may not include taking down the hideous wallpaper in my bedroom and painting the kitchen. Sounds ambitious, right? Probably means it won't get done, but I have the best of intentions.

What are your resolutions this year?

How to Spend Christmas Alone

For those of you who have the stirrings of pity right now because of the title of this post, cut it out.

I do not write this for you to feel sorry for me, because I did enough of that myself this weekend. I write this to make light of my current situation because hopefully it's only temporary and I will look back on this weekend next year and marvel at how I'm happy to never feel this way again.

I spent Christmas alone. Well, sort of alone, I had my two cats to keep me company (just when you thought this post couldn't go to the next level of depressing, I hit you with the stereotype of crazy cat lady!)

I had an offer from my parents to have Christmas with them...but I just did Thanksgiving with them for the first time in at least fifteen years, so Christmas would have been a little too much. I can only take my parents (my mother especially) in extremely small doses. As it was, I had to actually call them on Christmas (a new practice for us) and even though the call only lasted ten minutes, I hung up feeling irritable and spent. That's one thing that sucks about being an only child, there is no one else to deal with your parent's shenanigans.

Anyway...the suicide rate skyrockets around the holidays and until you spend Christmas alone, you don't really understand why. (Don't worry, at no point during the weekend did I actually consider offing myself)

It's depressing as hell. It's lonely. There is the feeling of desolation and complete isolation from the rest of civilization. I won't kid you and say that I didn't do any sobbing and feeling sorry for myself for having parents that suck, friends that live or celebrate the holidays far away, and no actual boyfriend.

So how did I survive it all?

I slept about 100 hours over the weekend. I slept 10 hours every night and napped for 2-3 hours every day at least once, sometimes twice. I watched copious amounts of bad movies and read two books. I cooked an entire box of taco shells because I was having a craving for tortilla chips. I baked an apple loaf and then proceeded to eat half the loaf within 24 hours.

And I smothered my cats. Usually one of my cats, Mica, is all over me all the time. But I loved her and petted her so much this weekend that by the end of Sunday she was OVER IT. She started sleeping on the bed instead. Traitor.

I cleaned. I cooked for the week. I browsed the internet. I did not watch ANY Christmas movies or shows. I did not watch any sad movies. When I felt the need to cry, I let it happen and then moved on to doing something else.

And I made it through the hell that is spending Christmas alone.

Now I have Valentine's Day to look forward to.

Public Transportation Etiquette

I take the bus to work every day. Most days, I get on and get off without incident. I obey the social protocols of riding public transportation. However, there are a lot of people who don't.

For those of you who are clueless in this arena, the following are the basic principles of public transportation etiquette:

- Move in. Do not sit on the outer seat with no one sitting in the inner seat in an effort to discourage people from sitting next to you. They then sit next to me and that makes me really unhappy. Plus inevitably, since the bus is always busy, someone is going to ask you to move in and you will end up having someone next to you anyway, so just suck it up and move your ass in.

 - Men - give up your seat. If you see an old lady, a person with multiple bags, woman with a stroller, etc...stand up and offer your seat. Where is your sense of chivalry and manly duty? Not giving up your seat in my opinion makes you a huge pussy and you should be ashamed.

 - Don't bring your dinner on the train. I do not want to smell your disgusting food. Unfortunately, my bus goes through Chinatown on the way out of the city, and inevitably someone brings their stinky chinese food on the bus for the rest of us to endure in rush hour traffic. It may make some people uncomfortably hungry, it may make others sick, but in some way or another, the smell of your dinner bothers EVERYONE.

 - Do not talk on the phone. This is by far my biggest pet peeve. Sure, if you have to phone the hubz real quick to let him know you're running late, fine, but if you are having a full on conversation with your mom about the state of the bunyons on her feet, by all that is holy, hang up the goddamn phone. I do not want to be ear fucked by your conversation.

- If you have a large item, place it in one of the racks or sit on an end so you don't take up two seats. This goes hand in hand with moving in. Sometimes (especially if you're a woman) you need to bring multiple bags on the bus, and obviously those itty bitty seats are not conducive to having more than one bag that will fit on your lap. Instead of taking up two seats for your ass and all your shit, sit on an end where you can keep your bags out of the way and not take up two seats.

- Wear deodorant. This rule especially applies in the summer. You are going to be packed in like sardines and such close proximity requires that you do not reek like a football player's jock strap. Conversely, do not wear so much cologne or perfume that you are choking those around you either.

What is your biggest public transportation pet peeve?

Random Thoughts - Christmas Edition!

Happy Friday friends!

Every Wednesday I will do a Random Thoughts post, because let's be honest, I have a ton of random ideas that do not themselves warrant their own post, and also because by Wednesday my mental capacity has depleted significantly and the chances of me forming a coherent sentence, nevermind a paragraph or full post, is slim. Sometimes on Thursday I get a second wind, but it's rare.

So without further ado, my random thoughts!

- National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is hands down my favorite Christmas movie. What makes this film even better for me now is that the President of my company looks remarkably like Uncle Lewis. Now everytime I see him, I hear him saying "you couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant." HA!

- I always say that Chuck E. Cheese is my personal idea of what hell will be like...but this past weekend I have changed my opinion. Hell would be Toys R Us the weekend before Christmas. As fun as toys are, putting kids in proximity of SO MANY toys they can't have that are way cooler than any of the shit they have at home, is pretty much a recipe for disaster.

- One of our local radio stations that I love turns to exclusively Christmas music from November 1st to January 1st, which I think is just WRONG. Christmas music should not be listened to before Thanksgiving and should not be listened to after all the presents are opened and there's a dumptruck worth of wrapping paper to clean up. Regular radio sucks anyway, but it sucks even more this time of year.

- The two most underrated Christmas songs of all time are "Last Christmas" and "Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey." What's that? You've never heard of Dominic? Well now you have. For your viewing and listening pleasure: http://youtu.be/nQrdxtWgHbE

- I know I may be completely alone in this (although probably not since all of their shows are so popular) but I really think the Kardashians should have a Christmas special. I just love those quirky Kardashians! Except for Kim, who is just about the most annoying person on the face of the planet.

Give me your random thoughts about Christmas!

Redneck Wedding

If you want entertainment, look no further than your facebook newsfeed.

Even though I have hidden updates from a good chunk of people I went to high school with (because most of them still live in New Hampshire and have nothing interesting to say), I still have a few characters that I follow out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Take for example, my cousin.

We were relatively close in age and since neither of us had sisters growing up, we were the closest thing to sisters either of us were going to get.

She was a few years ahead of me in school and was a RAGING slut. I mean RAGING. Hot dog down a hallway as my other cousin Mark used to say about her (he's a classy guy). Anyway, when I was about 15 or so, her and I sat down while she made an actual list of guys she had slept with. We stopped when she got to 26. Just to give you an idea.

Flash forward a few years and she gets pregnant. Shocking that it didn't happen before then, but still unexpected. Two kids (and two fathers) later, she has recently decided to become a lesbian.

We are no longer close due to life circumstances, but naturally she is still a very active part of my newsfeed. You see, she is one of those posters who not only feels it necessary to chronicle every minute detail of their day, but also to provide the world with inspirational quotes.

Therefore, though I was not invited, I got the privilege of seeing her wedding album.

Her dress of choice on this most joyous of occasions was a strapless tie-dye tube dress. And from the pictures, it's questionable if she even washed her hair for the big event. She did have the good sense to sport a headband matching her dress though to disguise the unwashed hair. Almost.

Her bride/groom wore cargo shorts and a polo shirt.

When I showed the pictures to a friend, I also felt the need to specify that my cousin was in fact not pregnant, as the strapless tube dress really hugged her in all the wrong places.

The reception was in the backyard of their doublewide (high rollers!) with all of the park neighbors in attendance. The wedding cake was a delicious half vanilla/half chocolate sheet cake from the Super Walmart.

The only thing missing from the festivities was a mounted deer head and a tractor in the front yard.

There are parts of me that are proud to be a redneck. I say y'all and I strongly believe in my right to bear arms. However...sometimes when it comes to my family, they take the redneck business just a little too far...

A Great Discovery

Another Trader Joes seasonal item worth hoarding...

Random Thoughts

Happy Wednesday friends! (What is great about Wednesday you ask? Absolutely nothing).

Every Wednesday I will do a Random Thoughts post, because let's be honest, I have a ton of random ideas that do not themselves warrant their own post, and also because by Wednesday of most weeks, my mental capacity has depleted significantly and the chances of me forming a coherent sentence, nevermind a paragraph or full post, are slim. Sometimes on Thursday I get a second wind, but it's rare.

So without further ado, my random thoughts!

- I've taken to reading two books at once. One at home and one for commuting. I think that this might perhaps be utilizing valuable brain power that I should be putting towards work or something else productive.

- I started taking flaxseed oil supplements this week. I don't eat fish so the idea of taking fish oil for my Omega-3 fix just doesn't sound appealing. Plus, flaxseed oil is supposed to help your bowel movements. I can tell you without getting too graphic that it works.

- Why is it that I can never get out that last little bit of almond butter from my individual packets? Does that mean I have really only consumed 180 calories instead of the 190 that is supposedly in the package?

- One of my favorite things to do is putting my ipod on random and seeing what comes up. Like a musical russian roulette. This past Tuesday night, I was doing just that when none other than Clay Aiken came on. What the hell happened to Clay Aiken? Is he even still alive? If not, he left us with one hell of a cover of Bridge Over Troubled Water. And one of the creepiest lines of a song ever..."if I was invisible, I could just watch you in your room." What a great stalker anthem.

- The Biggest Loser finale was this week and I have to say, I really hate this show. I have no idea why I still watch it. I just can't seem to let it go. Even Entertainment Weekly doesn't talk about this show anymore, yet I still watch. I like to think it motivates me to be healthy but really, just like most healthy living blogs these days, it just makes me feel bad about myself. And without giving it away in case you DVR'ed and haven't watched yet, this years winner is GUARANTEED to gain back all the weight plus 20.

See you for next Wednesday's edition of Random Thoughts!

Pinterest Gives me an Inferiority Complex

I love pinterest. It's a visually stimulating source of inspiration. Or, at least the intention is there.

However, it makes me feel terribly inadequate.

I have pinned a hundred or so things since joining this site...from cute outfits to DIY projects that I would love to try to recipes that I would love to make.

You know how many of those things I have actually done?

One. It was a crockpot recipe I found that has three ingredients. Yes, three. And even that was slightly more complicated than I had the motivation for. It got made, but I spent a good ten minutes in the store trying to find a particular brand and flavor of barbeque sauce for my chicken, thereby eliminating the chances that it will get made a second time.

Along with the one recipe that I made, I am trying to be more "decorative." You know what being more "decorative" means to me? Buying an ugly bowl and placing it on my bookshelf.

<-- Ugly Bowl












This bowl has no function, yet made me feel like I was well on my way to being the proud decorator of one of the gorgeous decorated rooms I see on pinterest. For about a minute. Then I realized the bowl had no function and was really just taking up valuable book space.

I have also been making an attempt at being more fashionable, like all of those well thought out and color coordinated outfits that you see on Pinterest. I have bought more accessories and have been attempting to mix color palettes and patterns. Really what resulted was something along these lines:

Consistency is key, right?

Pinterest is the home of countless Martha Stewarts and fashionistas with an eye for what looks good. And it's also home to the people that stalk them and turn green with envy, like me.

Pinterest makes me painfully aware that I just don't have any creativity, motivation, or talent.

Thanks Pinterest. As if I needed another self-esteem killer.

Speed Demon

I have a lead foot.

Despite that, in the last six years, I have not gotten a single speeding ticket. (For those of you who are math whizzes, I did not get my license until I was 23...fun fact alert!)

Up until last weekend, I have been pulled over approximately three times for speeding. I always got off with a verbal warning.

I attributed this to my sexiness of course. Cute girls NEVER get tickets!

Well, last weekend when I was on my way to New Hampshire to see the Muppets with my bestie and her two girls, I got caught going 90 in a 55.

So that lead foot? Is more like an anvil on the gas peddle. Woops.

I knew I was caught as soon as I saw him.

Next thing I know, he is pulling out with his lights on. I briefly considered going on the lam and quickly taking the next exit (I have done this in the pass with smashing success but I don't think the universe would smile on me pulling that shit a second time).

So I pulled over, had my license and registration ready when he came over. He bent down and looked in my car as I gave him my most winningest smile and said, "hello, officer."

He took my license and registration and went back to his cruiser. Damn. That didn't go as I had expected. Not even a "do you know how fast you were going?" or "do you know what the speed limit is?" These questions typically lead to my magic bag of excuses.

After a very LONG wait in which I knew he was writing my ticket, he finally came back and handed me my ticket...which was written that I was going 70.

"That's the best I could do," he says, "slow down."

As happy I was to get my ticket reduced, I was still saddened.

Am I not cute anymore?

Is this what my looks have been reduced to? Not even getting a second look from a state trooper? I'm just a quota filler now!

Oh the horror.

I guess now I will actually have to slow down instead of relying on my good looks and charm.

School Still Sucks

School is exhausting.

Especially as an adult.
Because when you're an adult, you're not as sharp as you used to be. You can't hear as well. You can't see as well. You can't pay attention for more than 30 seconds. Really it's just an exercise in futility disguised as a learning opportunity.

I give large amounts of credit to people who go back to school as adults.

Even an hour long training class as a job requirement is a struggle for me.

As I type this, I am in a class. That I can't pay attention to.

I will say though, that even as a group of adults in class, not much has changed since we were kids.

You still have that overzealous nerd who sits in the front who constantly raises his hand.

There is still that one person who falls asleep.

Someone is always late.

Everyone looks at the clock every five minutes feeling like an hour has gone by.

Doodling in your book is still a favorite pasttime.

Cafeteria food is still disgusting and there are still a ton of regular milks left with only a couple of chocolate milks left. With a couple of people in front of you in line.

And there is still one who throws spitballs or plays football with a triangle piece of paper.

There are a few things that have changed though.

You realize how atrocious your handwriting has become.

As an adult, you don't need a hall pass to go to the bathroom.

Now you can use your computer under the guise of "following along" or "taking notes" but really what you're doing is googling yourself. And your ex-boyfriend from high school.

But one very important thing has remained the same...school still sucks.

It's Not Easy Being Green

In case you couldn't tell by the extremely obvious title of my post, I went to see The Muppets this past weekend.

Oscar season is upon us and this time of year I practically live at the movies. Last year was a phenomenal year for film and I often left the theatre feeling awed by the genius of the actors and directors that graced us last year.

This year, however, is feeling lackluster to me. So far, the films getting the most buzz are The Descendents, The Artist, and War Horse for Best Picture and My Week With Marilyn for Best Actress (Michelle Williams).

I saw The Descendents and My Week With Marilyn within the last week and liked them both, but was not wowed by any means. Last year, I was overwhelmed by the nominees and was unsure of who to root for in every category because there were so many talented choices. The Oscars are my Superbowl, but I am just really not feeling the same this year.

That being said, of all the films I have seen recently, The Muppets is by far one of the best. Staring one of my absolute favorite comedians, Jason Segel, and the lovely Amy Adams, the movie did not disappoint.

I watched The Muppets as a kid and always had a particular soft spot for Kermit, and actually can do his voice pretty well...perhaps I should start using that on first dates as an icebreaker. Bad idea?

The film version was everything I expected. A semi-weak plot, cheesy songs, and adult jokes cleverly disguised as rated G. Bravo!

Funny enough, aside from the two kids I was with, there was a surprising amount of adults there WITHOUT children. Most likely children of the 80s come to relive their youth as I did, only I used my best friend's kids as an excuse to go see a kid's movie. Not that I really needed the disguise, since obviously I went to see Breaking Dawn with another friend my age. Further proof that I am actually a 12 year old girl inside.

In short, The Muppets gets two thumbs up from me :)

The Epitome of Awkward Situations...

...is running into someone you REALLY don't want to see. At the supermarket.

More specifically, I was at Target this past weekend (on Friday night, like the loser that I am...but really, it's the best time to go because NO ONE else is there).

I was channeling my inner domestic goddess and trying to select a new vacuum cleaner that would sufficiently suck up the copious amounts of cat hair that accumulate in every corner of my home when I look down an aisle and spot an acquaintance who was a friend of a person I love to hate.

I have not spoken to this acquaintance since said "person I love to hate" and I parted ways. I never had any problem with the acquaintance, and actually quite liked her...but now her association with that person I love to hate has made me hate her by association.

So when I looked down the aisle, we made very brief eye contact. She may not have recognized me. I quickly diverted down another aisle to avoid any awkward confrontation and breathed a sigh of relief that I had avoided that situation.

I continued to shop on,  minding my own business but still had it in the back of my mind that she was in the store and the odds of me running into her were pretty likely considering my propensity for awkwardness.

You know how you run into someone in the supermarket and everyone sort of flows in the same direction so you continue to run into the same person repeatedly even though you have already said your uncomfortable hellos but feel the need to acknowledge them down every aisle? Target can be similar, so I strayed from my usual route, picked up my fancy new vacuum, and headed to the checkout.

As I am putting my bags in my trunk I am thinking I am in the clear.

And then it happens. She apparently happened to have parked RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Ugh.

There was no avoiding it this time. She spotted me and we pretended to be excited to see each other even though I know she had to have been feeling as weird and uncomfortable talking to each other as I did. I made some lame joke about how I spend so much at Target when all I went for was cat food (see how awkward I am)? She laughed and made an equally lame joke about going to Target is how she liked to spend her Friday nights, simultaneously making us both seem like the biggest losers in the world and wasn't it so funny that we both had the same idea to come to the same place at the same time?

It is at this exact moment that I realize that I look like complete shit (it was Friday night at Target, I was slumming it hardcore in my sweats) and that she was most likely going to return to the person I hate with the information that I looked horrible and was at Target on a Friday night instead of out on a date or hanging out with my scores of friends. Just perfect.

Even more awkward than entering these kinds of conversations is exiting these conversations. After our respective lame jokes, the uncomfortable silence ensued until finally FINALLY she said it was nice to see me and she had to go.

I will be avoiding Target on Friday nights from here on.

The Godiva Trap

I love me a good rewards program. My key chain has about 100 different plastic bar codes on it. Some of them are actually worth having, some are not.

One of the ones worth having is Godiva (well I guess this depends on your point of view on whether or not you enjoy being a fatass).

Every month, you get a free piece of chocolate, regardless of whether you purchase something or not.

Isn't that the best thing you've ever heard? Free candy?

Well, I am not one of those people that can walk into Godiva and just get the one piece, because everytime I go in, they have something new and delicious to try.

Case in point...last week I went into Godiva with the intention of inquiring after their peppermint truffles that they put out for Christmas time. I was very disappointed to learn that they had not come out yet, but the overly helpful Godiva associate (we'll call him The Chocolate Man) pointed out that the new "holiday bars" had been released. Gingerbread flavored chocolate?? I die.

But that's not what got me. What got me was the cousin of my coveted peppermint truffle. The peppermint truffle CANDY BAR.

The Chocolate Man may or may not have thought I was a crazy sugar fiend when I cackled (yes I actually cackled) with delight and grabbed up the bars by the fist full. I went into Godiva with the sole intention of getting ONE PIECE of candy and instead got suckered into buying multiple full size candy bars.

And then The Chocolate Man hits me with a right hook.

"For every two you buy, you get a third free!"

Oh really? Let me just get six then!

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what I mean when I refer to "the Godiva trap."

My First Period

Talking about your period on the internet seems to be the thing to do, so I thought I would join in on the fun!

For the boys that read (and I know now that I have at least a couple!) I apologize in advance for this girly topic.

I know all you girls are with me on this...back in elementary school (5th or 6th grade most likely) we all had that health class where you learned about the birds and the bees and a reaffirmation that babies do not in fact come from a stork or immaculate conception like jesus (I did have more than a few friends who really thought immaculate conception was possible at this age).

The whole class was awkward, there was a lot of giggling, and not much actual useful information was disseminated.

Anyway, health class (at least mine anyway) did not really go into the particulars of what a period would actually be like, just that we could expect some stomach cramps and some blood.

Totally did not seem that bad to me.

Flash forward to the sixth grade, about a year later. It happened. I finally became a woman.

Although, at the time, "becoming a woman" was not what I thought was happening.

You see, I thought that when I finally got my period, it would be exactly the size of...well...a period. Like at the end of a sentence. Just a drop.

All you ladies know of course, that it was definitely NOT the size of a period. More like the hoover dam had broken.

My childhood friend Megan was with me at the time in the bathroom, and lucky for my uninformed mind, she was under the same impression I was, that this was not normal. Something was wrong. I was possibly dying.

So then she had the genius idea that maybe I was internally bleeding or had ruptured my spleen playing on the jungle gym or something. I totally bought this. I was completely convinced that I was internally bleeding. Thinking that this was totally the case and I needed to go the hospital RIGHT AWAY, I ran back into my classroom yelling to my teacher that I was internally bleeding. Yes yelling. With a room full of students.

She was obviously concerned (at first) until I started explaining the particulars of the situation.

I was then taken to the nurse's office and my mother was called.

My mother laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world and then proceeded to tell me the truth about my period. Thanks for the loving support, Mom!

Let's just say that I did not live that humiliation down for the rest of the year. After all, not only did I run into the classroom yelling that I was internally bleeding with my blood soaked pants, but clearly Megan and I were the only ones who did not know that your period really wasn't a "period."