Redneck Wedding

If you want entertainment, look no further than your facebook newsfeed.

Even though I have hidden updates from a good chunk of people I went to high school with (because most of them still live in New Hampshire and have nothing interesting to say), I still have a few characters that I follow out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Take for example, my cousin.

We were relatively close in age and since neither of us had sisters growing up, we were the closest thing to sisters either of us were going to get.

She was a few years ahead of me in school and was a RAGING slut. I mean RAGING. Hot dog down a hallway as my other cousin Mark used to say about her (he's a classy guy). Anyway, when I was about 15 or so, her and I sat down while she made an actual list of guys she had slept with. We stopped when she got to 26. Just to give you an idea.

Flash forward a few years and she gets pregnant. Shocking that it didn't happen before then, but still unexpected. Two kids (and two fathers) later, she has recently decided to become a lesbian.

We are no longer close due to life circumstances, but naturally she is still a very active part of my newsfeed. You see, she is one of those posters who not only feels it necessary to chronicle every minute detail of their day, but also to provide the world with inspirational quotes.

Therefore, though I was not invited, I got the privilege of seeing her wedding album.

Her dress of choice on this most joyous of occasions was a strapless tie-dye tube dress. And from the pictures, it's questionable if she even washed her hair for the big event. She did have the good sense to sport a headband matching her dress though to disguise the unwashed hair. Almost.

Her bride/groom wore cargo shorts and a polo shirt.

When I showed the pictures to a friend, I also felt the need to specify that my cousin was in fact not pregnant, as the strapless tube dress really hugged her in all the wrong places.

The reception was in the backyard of their doublewide (high rollers!) with all of the park neighbors in attendance. The wedding cake was a delicious half vanilla/half chocolate sheet cake from the Super Walmart.

The only thing missing from the festivities was a mounted deer head and a tractor in the front yard.

There are parts of me that are proud to be a redneck. I say y'all and I strongly believe in my right to bear arms. However...sometimes when it comes to my family, they take the redneck business just a little too far...